79. American-English

happy birthday

A year ago I started this blog with no expectations. I just wanted to write about nothing and make people laugh at some silly stuff. I’ve been amazed how well it has been received and love all the great comments. I’ve read back over the first couple of posts I made a few years ago and realise that a couple of the entries I didn’t do them enough justice, so at some point I may have to revisit those entries.

So before we get started with this birthday blog entry I have a quick thing to say.

हेल्लो एंड वेल्चोमे तो मी ओने एंड ओन्ली रेअदर फ्रोम नेपाल


That by the way was for my only reader from Nepal.


I have been living in the States for a little over ten years now and it never ceases to amaze me. Not the fact that I live in the States. I am used to living here now and can moan about $4.00 a gallon  gas like a native (that’s £2.51 a gallon!)

What I am amazed at is some of the things that come out of you crazy Americans.  For the most part there are a few sane Americans. The ones who read this blog, you are all O.K.  It’s the ones who I meet at random times in public that get to me.  These are people who I shall never meet again, but will always stay with me because of what they say to me.

Most conversations start with the word “Oh, I love your accent.”

No harm, no foul there, I do have a great accent.

It is what follows that makes me wonder how some people actually graduated high school.

These are genuinely things that people have said to me.

1) Oh, I love your accent. Are you from Canada?

2) Oh, I love your accent. Are you from Australia?

3) Scotland?

4) South Africa?

5) My cousins from Holland, do you get home much?

6) Wales?

7) Oh, I love your accent. Where are you from?

   I’m From England.

(disappointed) Oh, I thought you were British or something.

8) Oh cool you’re English, I love England, Do you know any of the Beatles?

9) Oh, I love your accent. Where are you from?

I’m from England.

Cool, what language do they speak there?

John Lemon!

That last one happened at a hairdressers that I have not been back to. No one should be that dumb and carry sharp objects. As for the Beatles one, I told the lady in question that “John Lennon hadn’t talked to me in a while.”  I also told her that they were making a sequel to Titanic and they were just going to show the movie backwards so it had a happy ending.  Look, if people are going to be gullible, it is only right that I take advantage of it.

Like the fact that my TH’s sound like F’s. So thank you sounds like Fank You. Of something close to Fank. I’ve often had a horrified look from cashiers who think I’m saying Fuck You………Or maybe I am 😉

People who I talk to know very little about what goes on outside of Michigan, and even less about what happens outside of America. In a recent poll 45.6% of Americans thought Afghanistan was a breed of Dog.  O.K. I made that statistic up, but you get the picture.

If you ask the Average American to draw a picture of England, this is what you would probably get.

Then when you tell them that there is a little more to the British Isle some might be able to come up with this.

You may think I’m being over the top, but we all remember this.

Why am I ragging on Americans today? After all I did marry one. Partly because of the popularity of the last post, but secondly there’s a deep emotional bond between an Englishman and his country.  So why am I not British?  Englishman become British at one time only and that is when a sports team from Scotland, Wales or Ireland actually look like they are going to win something. At that point they cease to be Scottish, Welsh or Irish they become British. The moment they lose they return to their own nationality.  English sports teams when they do well, do not become British, they stay English and were proud of it.

And the letter “U” we love the letter “U” and I am convinced that the only reason Americans dropped the “U” was because they wanted to save on ink.

And while I’m moaning, you didn’t win the revolution. We gave up and went to Australia as it has better beach front property.

Then there are problems with words. Theres things I can’t say here without getting funny looks. So to educate I shall give you a list of words, phrases and things and their meanings.

Football = Football. Not soccer, what you play is handegg.

Trunk = what elephants have not cars, cars have boots.

Hood = What Robin had, cars have Bonnets.

Fag = Its a cigarette, get over it.

Wanker = Justin Bieber

Apples and Pairs = A stair case

Big Ben = It’s a bell, not a tower.

Ale = Real beer

Copper = Policeman

Bobby = Policeman

Plod = Policeman

Filth = Policeman

A Monkey = five hundred pounds

O.K. to save me typing out a million of the ones I remember, just go here http://www.aldertons.com/english-.htm

Well I’m totally cream crackered so I’m off pigs ear and a sooty and sweep.

Lets see if next year will be even more crazy!?


About davebakersoccer

I am a person who has always had too much time on their hands, and instead of creating a masterpiece or taking on the world, I have spent my time on nothing important at all.
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4 Responses to 79. American-English

  1. Talli says:

    Hand egg – that’s just great!

  2. pennypup says:

    You got to love Americans don’t you? Many still seem to think they won the war of 1812.

    They also don’t like to admit that we (British and Canadian) burned their white house and the reason it’s called the “White” house was because they painted it white to cover up all the black burn marks.

    I remember when I went to Disney World Florida when I was 12, I was asked, no joke, “Do you have electricity in your igloos?”

  3. Kenn says:

    I’m finally catching up on my blog reading… I wish I had a sly and witty comment to make – but I don’t. I just appreciate you, your wit, and the fact that you always make me laugh.

    • thanks Kenn. I try to make people laugh, try my hardest never to offend. And I’m usually the butt of all my jokes.

      But you crazy Americans! today alone I’ve had two people ask me if I’m Australian, I wear a hat that says England!

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